How intense is intense?

Had a great time with Kid 3 this weekend at a soccer tournament at Disney's Wide World of Sports complex.

There were teams from all over, all age groups, as far away as Illinois...even a couple of local teams.

There were 12 teams in our age group, 3 brackets of 4. The tourney is a round robin format. You play the other 3 teams in your bracket Saturday and Sunday, and the bracket winner advances with one wild card to a semifinal round Monday AM, followed by a championship game Monday PM.

We went 2-1 in our bracket, ending up in a 3-way tie for the wild card...we were 3rd best in that deal, so no go. The team we lost to, really layed wood to us...final Coral Gables 6, Lakeland 0. Did I tell you Kid 3 is a goal keeper. He's pretty good if I do say so...that means that 6-nil score could have been much worse.

Anyway, another Miami team ended up rolling through their bracket too, so we saw a showdown brewing between the two Miami juggernaughts. Needless to say, we came back Monday, paid the admitance to see this final. Game ended 4-4...followed by a shootout where only one kid missed (5-4), and he hit the post with a rocket...game over, our bracket won...and we saw some of the best 10 year olds in our part of the world play that afternoon.

All this sets up a couple of points. It was very obvious that as the talent and expectations increases, so does the intensity of the coaches and parents...and the skin thickness of these young children. At times, during the heat of battle, I felt like I was watching Parcell or Lombardi coach...and these kids took it in stride...no attitude, no talking back...just nodding of head and corrected actions...it was amazing. So, my question is how intense should we be?

Side bar: During our final game we played Cape Coral (SW corner of Florida). During the second half of a close game, my son is fielding a long ball in the goal box and up runs an opposing offensive player who bumps him kind of hard and the ball falls out. My son jumps on the ball, no damage done...dialogue proceeds as follows (I'm a fan, on the opposite side of the bench, close to the play):

Me: Hey Ref, that can't happen

(whistle blows, foul other team, free kick there)

Other Coach: It was incidental Ref!

Me: They're running at him all game, you better call them off and do something!!

Ref to Coach: No conversations with the fans.

Me to my son: If they come at you again, put a shoulder in their chest.

After the game I went up to the other coach and appologized..."Hey, I'm sorry I said what I did. I over-reacted...As the Dad of the keeper I guess I got a bit over defensive and shouldn't have. I'm sorry." He was very cool about it and apologized too - His son was their keeper, he understood.

Side note within side note: I never would have appologized in years gone by...I would have justified my actions...Sanctification in real life taking place...thanks God.

Now here's question two. At what point is it ok to start coaching your son to punish the other guy to defend yourself (think Catcher guarding the plate on a play at home)? Was I wrong in telling him to put a shoulder in their chest if the continue to run at him? How intense is too intense for competitive/select soccer?